A Human, Being.

I was asked the following question:

“What is an experience that happened to you that’s now one of your favorite stories to tell?”

And I thought -

 If you asked me 10 years ago, at age 15, 

I’m writing so many songs. I met the coolest dude at the ballpark snack shack that said he could help me record my music. When I show up, it’s just a room in his parent house, BUT my good friend is his step-sister, so I’m going to trust him. And I do! He helps me record 5 whole songs, adding more vocals and a cool electric guitar by his buddy. It’s this whole setup. When I got my first round of mixes back, we listened to it on the radio at the snack shack. Things are fun and exciting and the songs are like the funnest things to write of all time. 

I had just finished my EP, 5 songs, and gave a CD to all the boys I had written about. Seemed like something Taylor Swift would do, and that was exactly who I aspired to be. But the end of that story was me selling all my guitars for extra money, and giving it all up. 

As me at age 18 -

I am just “so busy” doing so many things that I love. I’m learning how to be a graphic designer. It’s exciting learning everything about influencers and the ways of marketing. We’re taking photos and I’m naive. I had an incredible boss, who loved and trusted me. And I got to work with my mom and sisters.

 I am transitioning between store clerk, to boutique clothing buyer, photo shoot manager, graphic designer, marketing assistant, photographer, videographer, more titles and skills to claim. I loved to work, work hard, be creative, and make something of myself.

Ask me at age 22-

I’m clawing my way up a non-existent company ladder. I’m giving my all as the creative director turned project manager. I’ve created an alter ego, with straight hair - trying to morph into something I just, wasn’t.. 2020 hit, and if I wasn’t lost before, I was blindsided by people I trusted. It was then that I realized, the only worth I put in myself was based on how hard I worked. 

My - be - reminder tattoo

“What is an experience that happened to you that’s now one of your favorite stories to tell?”

I can tell you all these experiences. I mean kind of… 

I’ve always told the stories of how I’ve succeeded in one way or another. And it would be tragic to not give myself credit for the amazing things I achieved before 23. 

But I realized - all my attention was on work and to-do lists. I had failed to focus on the things that make me, me. 

And the truth is, the stories I’ve always ecstatically shared is of a human doing. I had been so focused on succeeding, and creating a career or “name” for myself. It took losing my job, for me to sit with my own thoughts and inner being- to dig into why I wasn’t happy. I was hiding and ignoring my true self, by constantly distracting myself with doing. At the time, I had lost that childlike fun and excitement. The little girl in me was screaming to come out. 

I’d forgotten what it’s like to be - a human being. 

So the story today, at 26, is of a girl learning to be- how to live in her life, how to enjoy my life.

I’m writing songs again, and I feel like a little kid. Recording melodies and rhymes. It’s so fun re-learning the things you love. It’s crazy how quickly and beautifully these things come back to you. It feels so special right now, and I’m just trying to lean into it. I want to experience it all so fully. Writing songs again is so connected with feeling my emotions and learning how to talk about them. 

I’m sewing and creating such amazing pieces. My wardrobe has never been so vibrant and fun. It’s so rewarding to look at a piece for weeks on end. Sewing and watching the piece come together weekend after weekend. I had no idea how freaking frustrating it would be. Not to mention stabbing yourself with thread pickers, needles, and a burnt elbow from the iron. It’s helping me learn patience. I love diving into the full design process, making things in my head come to life. 

I work a full-time, great job, which is challenging me to learn more and more about processes and operations. I’m surrounded by amazing humans who allow each other to learn and grow. 

Every day I come home and I find sanctuary in the home I’ve built. I’m learning to be present. 

Because 10 years flashed away- and I spent most of my time doing. And the story I want to continue telling is of a girl being. I’m picking up the things I lost along the way- singing, guitar,sewing, fashion, or the most beautiful of all, writing.