Listening

This week was exhausting. It was stressful, confusing, hurtful, angry, infuriating, reflective, tender, learning, searching, growing, and humbling. 

And while I am now anxious reading all of those emotions, it’s kind of beautiful to sit here and write out those different emotions. knowing I actually felt them - not numb them or push them down. 

But holy hell, it’s never going to be easy, is it? 

The main lesson I came out with this chaotic day is - I learned that to me - listening means trust and respect. If I don't feel listened to-whether by conversation or writing - I feel hurt, neglected, distrustful, and disrespected. 

But at the same time, there is room for error, if it’s at least to my level. I am only so good of a listener and I'm just as prone to distractions. My mind is going in different directions - and I know that truly by the amount of time I spend trying to sit still, listen, recognize my body, focus on my breath, and be. Getting distracted and focusing on your breath is a talent and skill and I can honestly say I work really hard at and spend time day after day meditating. 

This skill has gone so perfectly with listening. And I’m no expert, but I do actually try and that is more than some people.

This week, I felt hurt and misunderstood by a colleague. I felt I gave ample direction, communications, emails, and meetings – all without success, it took me to a place emotionally I’m not used to. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt negative and betrayed. 

While I evaluated the issue, I questioned why I cared so much. After much analyzing, I discovered that being listened to, allows me to feel appreciated, trusted, and respected.  I feel like what I say is important. I feel I work hard to learn and grow and see the big picture. I am healing, growing, and learning - managing my emotions and handling stress in the healthiest ways I know. I am trying hard to do a good job.

When I felt misunderstood, I started to question whether I didn’t listen. Maybe I miscommunicated?

I may have to accept that the fault might fall on me. I can also accept it wasn't. It was a little bit of both sides. Sometimes it’s no-ones fault. Sometimes things just don’t go right and it’s a couple of missteps on both parties. And that’s okay.
Because now that the anger has subsided, I learned a few things about  what I care about. What makes a greater leader, and I’ll call that a success.