Fear Circles

I’ve been stuck in this weird fear circle lately and it seems at times the moment I breath through and move past one, another one comes out. I’m sure it doesn’t help that Sza has been on repeat and it seems that the girl just can’t catch a break from all the haters at times. Yet here I am, in my own little world. 

I’m bummed sometimes that I’ve become a version of myself that's completely influenced by the woman, and expectations on the internet. 

When I walked away from my tattoo business, I finally felt space to deep dive of who I am, and who I truly want to be. This process has led me to walking away from social media and cocooning within me, myself and I. It’s almost been dozens of friend breakups. I looked at my instagram and said, no, this isn’t me and while I respect and love the people I follow, I need to walk away from this platform and what it’s selling me. It’s not real. It doesn’t feel real anymore. The people I look at aren't even in my life. They don’t go to the coffee shop that I do. They aren’t around me 5 days, 40 hours a week. 

Stepping away from social media, continues to teach me how to interact with the amazing humans in my life. In person. Can you imagine that? While so simple, I realize it was truly the beautiful skill that I lost, while virtually getting lost. 

I think there’s a lot of hurt still brewing in my body. The times I saw a gorgeous girl and wished I could look like her. Years of putting 400 degree heat on my curls, hoping I could then get the loose beach curls the girls online have. The clothes I bought, the things I claimed to love. It’s freeing, yet terrifying to strip down to the few things you know you are, and look at the remains. Stripping away all the things the world told you to be, and stand raw, naked and vulnerable. 

That’s how I feel lately.

I’m fearful that if I’m truly myself, if I take risks, if I say how I feel, if I open up and be raw- I’ll get criticized. I’ll get beaten down. I’ll fail. I’ll get told to sit my ass down and get out of the way. I’ve been told to not take up space, make everything easier, be kind, be good. Be good. Be good. I am so damn tired of being told to be good. 

So I’m writing. I’m putting my words somewhere. I’m putting my heart here tied together with letters and letting go. Letting go of the stories I’ve been told. Letting go of the lies. Letting go of the person I thought I was, and embracing everything that feels completely and utterly me. Me. Yes, Katie Grass. The things that make up me, Katie Grass.

Daily, I will continue to tell that 5 year old Katie, that I’ve got this. I am strong, loving, grateful and brave. Day by day I continue to conquer my fears, breath through the fear, embrace the love and beautiful existence.  In hopes that one day, there will be now doubt, no fear, that who I am, is me. The goodness and love and beauty that I share and give to this world, is me, authentic me. But don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, and it’s a bitch. If you’re even remotely treading through this journey like me- You’ve got this, we’ve fucking got this.