MM05: Tell Me It’s Not, 💫 Too Good To Be True 🌎

Talking about Kacey Musgraves last week has had me reminiscing on all the stories I could share with you. So much so, I realized there was no possible way I could condense it into 2 parts. While I will touch on a song of hers today, just know, there will be plenty more in the future.

Did you know I was a runner growing up? I started running track when I was in 8th grade, and then cross country in high school. I was actually on varsity my junior year of high school. With cross country, if you don't know, the top 7 on the team run varsity and compete at the same time as the other school varsity teams. But what I enjoyed most about running cross country, is you’re really only competing against yourself. Whether you're 1st on the team or last, it all depends on you running faster than you have previously. For me it was a happy medium of being a teammate while also doing my own thing.

When I made the varsity team, my grandpa found out, and pulled me aside one day. He took me into his office and showed me his varsity jacket from when he was in high school. He told me how proud and excited he was, and how he wanted to buy me a varsity jacket. We went down to the shop together, where I picked out the color, the patches, the materials, everything. I created the coolest jacket, and my grandpa was so dang proud to get it for me. 

But me, being a naive teenager, thought it was dumb. When I finally got this amazing custom jacket, I never wore it. I was too worried it would look conceited or lame. I didn’t want to be that girl who wears her varsity jacket to show off. So instead, I kept it in the trunk of my car, in case I got stranded and needed an extremely nice warm jacket. 

It stayed there for 5 years.

My grandpa passed this last summer, and this winter I've finally started to wear my varsity jacket. Thank heavens it still fits. I’ve never gotten more compliments from anything else I’ve worn. I’ve also had a bunch of people ask if I’m a runner, in which I respond “I used to be”. 

The thing is, I actually really loved running. I could say it sucks. It hurts your body, all the things. But the truth is, I loved it. 

I started to run in hopes to deal with my anxiety a bit better, but it turned into this solace for me. When I went out on my own, It became a time to just focus on my body, go outside, and have that time for myself. Sometimes I would blast music, just to try to get out of my head. Other times I would go slow and take in the environment around me. It was what got me through heartbreaks, broken friendships, and just high school in general.

The catch is, there was a time I was running too much. I mentally was in so much pain, all I could think of was to run. And by running, I hoped it would fix things. But I also wouldn’t eat. I lost a lot of weight and I got really weak and could no longer keep up the way I used to. My coaches started to show some concern, and I told them I was fine. My teammates started asking questions, and I got defensive. I decided I was happier at work, and I quit running. 

My couch seemed so damn mad at me. I avoided him for weeks and used work as an excuse. When I got up the courage to tell him I was done, he replied “You have rest of your life to work.” While I thought he was being the worst at the time, I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot recently. How right he was.

And here I am today, confessing that if I could change anything, I wish I never quit. I know wishing it won’t do me any good, but I wish I would have listened to my coaches, my parents, my teammates, every single person that mattered the world to me… I wish I would have kept running. 

Last week I had a dream I was back there, on the team. Huddling up for an awesome pep talk from the coach. Running back on the track like nothing changed. I have this dream often. And when I wake up, I’m bummed it’s not real. Does that sound crazy?

Cut to today.

I’ve had this beehive like stress pooling in my chest. I’m not sure if it’s the stress of dealing with my car being totaled, a new promotion at work, moving in with my fiance, running a business, planning a wedding, or February just being February…BUT all of this to say, the stress has been piling up.

I had my “running” dream on Thursday, and then had a weekend full of emotional ups and down. On Sunday I felt defeated and decided to take a mental health sick day.  The amount of anxiety that flooded through me as I texted my manager Monday morning was stupid. I felt guilty. I wasn’t actually sick. But at the same time, I knew I needed to do it. I needed to take care of myself. I knew the only way to show up for the people I love, is to love and care for myself. 

It didn’t start off great. 

I had (another) melt down with my fiance and he still, lovingly reassured and comforted me in the best way he possibly could. I ended up driving down to my place (45 minutes south of Salt Lake) to have some quiet time to get some stuff done. 

Once I got home, I decided I needed to get outside. Before I could do anything on my to-do list, I decided I needed to go on a walk. My place is just 2 blocks from a lakeside trail. 

I started on my walk, and then I decided to run. 

Now it’s not the first time I’ve run since I quit in high school, but it was one of the first times I was reminded of why I love it. It forced me to focus on my body. Focus on my breathing. And just put one foot in front of the other. I was surprised by my endurance, and I ended up running much further than I thought I could. I was amazed at what my body could do, with little to no training. And finally after weeks, the beehive in my chest finally lightened up a bit.

I ran for a bit, then turned around and walked back. I slowed down, and took it all in. I soaked up the winter sun. Said hello to the dogs walking by. Looked at the snow-covered lake, mountains, and trees. Looked at the birds. Felt my body breath and let go of that stress even more.

Oh, What a World by Kacey Musgraves started to play through my mind-

“Northern lights in our skies

Plants that grow and open your mind

Things that swim with a neon glow

How we all got here, nobody knows”

Why is it, that when I am overcome by stress and anxiety… the last thing I want to do is go outside. Or better yet to move my body, to just breath? 

Is it just me? Why am I so stubborn that I’ll try any and every remedy, before I try the seemingly simplest one. 

Because let me tell ya, to be outside on a sunny February Monday gave me the rest I needed. It finally took me out of this wild mind of mind, and brought me back to my body, my breath, and the amazing world around me. It grounded me and boy did it humble me. 

So if you can take anything from this…

Go outside. Lift your face to the sun. Listen to “Oh, What a World”. Breath in. Breath out.

“Oh, what a world, I don't wanna leave

There's all kinds of magic, it's hard to believe”

Thank God it's not too good to be true

Oh, what a world, and then there is you”

Go call your mom, best friend, whoever the heck comes to mind. Spend time with the people you love. 

And be kind to yourself. Take the time to show yourself the love and help you need. It’s okay to take a sick day. It’s okay to rest. “And then there is YOU” is also a reminder at how incredible YOU are. You are just as magical and breathtaking as all the things around you in this world. Wild isn’t it.

I’m reminding myself all of these things daily. If you relate, just know you’re not alone.

Thank you for being here. Seriously. Thank you.