Must Monday 03: You're On Your Own Kid, By Taylor Swift

Do you ever feel like a 5-year-old little kid, trying to deal with adult problems?

As you might know, I just turned 25 and I’m sitting here today wondering what the heck happened?!? One day you're talking about your imaginary boyfriend in your own little fairy land… and the next day you get out of the shower and see your car launched into your front yard…demolished. Oh, and my fiance’s truck smashed too.

I’m not adult enough for this kind of shit.

Today, this whole experience has me thinking about the album Midnights, by Taylor Swift (Ever heard of it?). While one day I might just tell you my deep-rooted love and feelings about every song on this album…Today, let’s chat about: You’re On Your Own, Kid.

This last Christmas me and my fiance spent it out of state with family. I was gone for about 2 weeks. The day I got home, I jumped in my car and I felt like a little kid. You see, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my car, and this day, was the day I truly fell in love with it.

It was a 2018 burgundy Subaru Impreza. When I bought it, it only had 15k miles on it. It was basically a dream find for the price (Or so said my fiance and father). Yet I wasn’t 100% in love…for dumb reasons might I add. My beloved, bright lipstick red, 2007 Mazda 3 had recently died, and I wasn’t emotionally ready to get a new car.

I got it when I was 18. I saved up all the money I could and walked into the bank to get the loan all by myself. I was so freakin nervous… but damn was I proud to get that car. And to top it off, it was a stick shift. Do you know how many guys I impressed by that fact alone?!?!

That Mazda, or Mac as I called her, was with me until I was 23. Big life moment years! Graduating high school…Moving out on my own…First adult heartbreaks…All the real-life shit. It was my safe space. My home. And it was all mine.

Then one day it didn’t start. And it was time to go (as Taylor might say.)

While other girls are dreaming of a Bronco or Jeep, I dreamed of a Subaru CrossTrek. Specifically, the baby blue one, because while it’s an extremely practical car… the color is amazing! I had a little hope walking into the dealership that day… but unfortunately, it didn’t last long. While I might have had some big dreams, I soon realized my budget wasn’t quite ready for it. And apparently, there was an Impreza that was perfect.

So if you haven’t figured out already, I don’t know much about cars…But what I did know is this damn Impreza looked like the Crosstreks ugly little sister. It was short and stout and did not have the clearance of a Crosstrek (the total opposite actually). And it was burgundy. Burgundy. For some reason that seemed like the worst thing of all.

And yet, there I was, signing my name to drive away in the Crosstreks ugly little sister

I’m ridiculous. I realize this. Please laugh at me, because I surely am. But the good news is the beautiful Impreza grew on me more and more, and just last year I gave her the lovely name of Susie the Sube.

18 months later, 2 weeks out of state for Christmas. I drove 14 hours in my fiance’s big truck to get home. The next day when I hopped into MY car…I told you. I truly fell in love with Susie.

I was so excited to drive my own car, listen to my own music, and stop wherever I wanted. Being that low to the ground never felt so good. I sang. I cried. I put on my new favorite album, Midnights by Taylor Swift, and just drove.

It was a beautiful day.

Then 3 days later, I found her in the yard.

It was a hit-and-run. The police followed the radiator fluid to find the culprit’s car abandoned. That’s really, all we know. And I was devastated. I cried for days. I told everyone I was just overly stressed…And after 3 days of crying, I realized I was actually just sad. Sad over damn Susie. The burgundy Susie. The ugly little sister Susie. I was sad.

My car was my constant home. She was there whenever I wanted to go or do anything. She was my cry room when I got stressed at work. She was gone, and I didn’t even have any say over it.

RIP Susie. I wish I had loved you longer than those 3 days. The burgundy actually looked quite good on you…I take it all back.

While you can chuckle along with me as I explain to you the far too dramatic story of my cars, not having Susie has got me thinking of a lot of things I’ve missed out on because of stupid reasons.

The clothes I didn’t wear… because I didn’t think I could pull them off.

The things I avoided because they were too little kid-ish.

The days I spent lost in my head worried about what people might think of me. Worried I wouldn’t be good enough. Worried I would fail or lose. Worried I would get hurt.

Taylor Swift tells the most relatable (I think) story in “You’re on your own, kid.” A story of how she missed out on making real friendships, career moves, homes, and more. All those years you're trying to be an adult…Yet you just feel like a little kid…Alone.

A story of her going through life, just trying to be good enough.

“From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this
I hosted parties and starved my body
Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

The jokes weren't funny, I took the money
My friends from home don't know what to say
I looked around in a blood-soaked gown
And I saw something they can't take away.”

My favorite thing about this song, is at first, you think it’s a sad song. About being alone. Never knowing what to do. You sing along and feel that hurt with her. You get it. But what you might not catch…Or at least I didn’t catch at first, is the final lines.

“Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets
Take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid”

A song about being alone, yet in the best way. I song cheering you on. To remind you to pause, enjoy this crazy life and to take the risks. To try something, even if you fail. To trust someone, even if they might hurt you. To reminding yourself to let go and be a little kid again.

To trust yourself.

And I can’t say it better than her.