What do you want to be when you’re older?

The saying goes and continues to be asked. But do you truly know what you want to be? Right now, at this moment, what do YOU want to be when you’re older?

Well, I’m 27. This means I’m dealing with the big kid shit: insurance, marriage, joint savings accounts, taxes…you get the idea. While you’re told it’s adult stuff, you’ll never truly feel ready for all of it. You never truly feel like an adult. Like they don’t sit you down and tell ya how to do these things. You really just get a driver's license (if you’re lucky) and society says good luck.

Well, it’s a question that might forever haunt me, or hopefully inspire me. Being an adult means big girl shit, and humbly, dreaming seems a lot harder.

I was doing a meditation one day, done by my favorite, Qveen Herby. It was a common meditation that I’ve done or heard of before, where you connect to your inner child. Essentially, you follow the first steps of meditation- focus on your body, your breathing, etc. Then Qveen walked me through a visualization of looking at a door, painted in my favorite color, with all the writing and fun pictures or anything I wanted on it. I imagined deep engravings and beautiful blue wood. Then I visualized opening the gorgeous door and walked into my childhood room. Then the visualization proceeded to see and talk to your younger self at age 7. I imagined myself with my wildly curly hair afro, big innocent eyes, and a massively plush pink heart shirt. In this meditation, I visualized talking to my younger self, and her talking to me. She forgave me for being gone for so long, then I promised to come back. Then, with the visualization you ask your younger self what they would like to do when you come back to visit. My younger self pulled out her pile of stories and colored drawings. She wanted to sing her own songs and create her own colorful, whimsical, dresses.

This visualization was beautiful. It reminded me to connect back with that part of myself again. That raw innocence and wide-eyed dreams I still have. That deep cut in the heart. That part of myself I lost along the way of trying to figure out what I wanted to be. The version of myself before I was told what to be.

I look around my sewing room, as I write this. There are pieces of that little girl in everything. My colorful closet. My pink couch. My secret compartments for special knick-knacks and fancy rocks. She’s still here.

Now back to what I want to be. Hell, I have no idea, but I am up for the challenge.

It’s cool, cuz I have tried so many different things. In my early twenties, I felt I had no talents or hobbies. It’s so beautiful to know, that by tuning into my younger self, I fell back in love with the things I always loved. I’m learning to sew, and have fulfilled my childhood dream of sewing gorgeous dresses, including my wedding dress. I have drawers full of colorful and printed fabric, just awaiting the next dreamy project.

I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve lost along the way, like singing and playing my guitar. I’ve put higher value on consistent practice, and I’m being patient as I feel like a beginner again. I’m moving through the fear and hurt I inflicted on myself, and I’m committing to putting time and energy toward these things I’ve always loved. The things that bring me joy, fulfillment, and already take up my brain’s mortgage. The things I can do for hours and get lost in the beautiful flow, mindless of time. And truly, every time I focus on these things, that little girl in me comes alive even more.

So, what do you want to be when you’re old? Or what do you want to do with your life to feel younger? How can you spend your time that allows you to be in tune with your baby child self?