Engaging With My Insecurities
I worry all the time--like a constant stream oft worried thoughts and emotions. As I've grown up, I've improved this by consistent meditation, physical activity, and self care. But I get in this head space where it creeps in for one reason or another - and it amplifies my self-deprecation. Such as - if I'm feeling anxious, I feel that I’m not doing enough to take care of myself. And that's the root -I tell myself 'I am not enough!” Which is simply not true--I know--but I've yet to kick the habit of going back to that place of feeling so small when dealing with worry and fear. What a vicious cycle, I know.
I've heard and I'm learning, that to engage with it, is to face it head-on. I need to sit with the discomfort and accept it as is. This is extremely hard given I've spent every moment up until the last 5 years disengaging, resisting, and pushing down these feelings.
To be honest, I refused to face my racing thoughts and panicked mind for a long time.
Maybe refuse is a harsh word. I just didn’t realize the impact it was making on my life. I didn’t realize how absent I was in my own life, body, and mind. This thought alone brings me a bit of sadness, imagining the younger versions of myself, so deeply out of tune.
It wasn’t until I made mindfulness a habit in 2020 that I slowly recognized my thoughts and pain. I am now finally sitting with my worried mind. When fearful and destructive thoughts come up, I note that they are just thoughts, and they don’t control me. If an emotion is present, I note that I am feeling it, and I sit with that feeling. Many times these emotions bring a tight chest and heavy breathing- and I let myself feel that emotion as I breathe through it. I recognize these thoughts and feelings as they are, without any judgment. Then, I let them go and put my focus back on my breath.
Everyday is different. Some days my brain barely stops to even recognize my body and breath. Rarely is my mind calm and I can easily put all focus on my body. But that’s the point, to sit with the mind and body no matter how busy or calm it is.
It’s a work in progress. I’m still fully in it. I’m a little over 19-thousand minutes in, which comes to 316 hours of meditation since 2020. I’m no expert. But I am a full believer in the benefits.
It helped me be
calmer,
to react in presence,
to be a better listener,
to be more thoughtful of the things I say,
to not be encompassed by fear 24/7,
to understand my thought patterns better,
to not be in pain 2/3rds of my life,
to understand my pain when it does come up.
to be more present in conversations and relationships.
to be kinder, and more compassionate to myself and others,
and so much more.
But if I can do it, I know others around me can. If a girl who has never felt good enough can see the light and believe it more and more--so can you.
But it’s the hardest thing to do. And I’m learning the best things in life are. It’s really hard to sit with your own thoughts, ideas, fears, insecurities, and see them for what they are. It’s hard to let them go. Its hard to learn to let go in general. The best things in life and truly the hardest to do, what’s up with that?
What have you found that helps you to be more present in your life? How do you handle your fears when they inevitably come up? I would love feedback and more ideas!
P.S. Check out Headspace if you’re interested in the app I use!
