Stand Tall, Girl
I’ve been on a journey to correct my spine.
All the times my mother told me to stand up straight really bit me in the ass. If only I had listened.
I knew consistent yoga would be hard. I knew it would push and stretch my body in new ways. But I underestimated the work and the pain required.
I didn’t expect how much I would feel and recognize the emotions I had held in my back. It’s been humbling to feel emotions that I know I've never dealt with before. Instead of continuing to push them down, I taught my body how to release these wounds, let go and relax.
Have you ever heard of Masaru Emoto's "Speaking Kindly to a Snowflake" Study? In this study, he tested speaking kindly to water particles, as well as the contrast. The snowflake that was spoken to kindly was immaculate and beautiful. Whereas the snowflake that has been criticized was uneven, sharp, and not visually pleasing.
This study intrigued me. It was compared to the water in your own body and how it changes based on how you talk to yourself. Whether it’s accurate or not, it’s a very interesting observation.
Throughout this journey, I always come back to this study. I’ve imagined jagged water particles build up in my body, screaming at times, to let go and be kinder.
I remember one day, I was lying on my back on my mat. I had just completed a spine-specific workout, which tends to be most challenging for me. I lay there in meditation, and my body was buzzing. I deeply felt like all the atoms in my body were bursting with electricity. It felt like pure magic when I felt the particles and tension in my body releasing and letting go. My body spoke to me that day, and I knew I was on the right path to correct so much more than my spine. I was reversing the pain and criticism I was prone to give my body. I was healing and forgiving myself. I was transforming into something so much lighter and greater.
2 years of consistent yoga, and I can honestly say I’m a completely new person. Don’t get me wrong, I still am a beginner, learning the basic moves and poses. But to know how far I’ve physically come is extremely rewarding and humbling. I am so proud, more proud than I have ever been of myself. Showing up each day to give my body love has taught me so much. I believe in myself even more. I know I can do hard things. I know my body is capable of so much more. It’s been literally 1% improvement, day by day, and I feel so much stronger and confident. This journey continues to teach me how my body communicates to me and how I can listen. Knowing what I know now, I’ve promised that I’ll forever listen. This is the one beautiful body I have, and I vow to treat it with the utmost care and love.
Throughout the healing process, my therapist encouraged me to write a letter to my body. Although vulnerable, I think it would be fitting to share parts of it in hopes it resonates with someone else 🩵
I haven’t been kind to you.
I’ve made you small.
As your head hung down, so did your confidence. You stopped speaking your truth. You began molding yourself into whatever you thought would be better, prettier, or just like the girls online.
You stopped putting your heart into clear lyricism and soulful melodies, while you continued to believe 400 degrees on your tight curls, would make me fit in with the other girls.
I’ve been criticizing my mind now for at least 15 years. Trying to be good enough to everyone around me.
But never enough for myself.
Getting so lost in my mind and the storylines I’ve created.
I forgot about you.
I forgot about my body.
The way it bends and moves and forms and shapes.
Instead you had to hurt.
And hold in all this forgetfulness.
Listening day by day to the angry, pickiness, petulance.
As the water crystallized like knifes into my tense muscles- that never got a day off.
You became smaller and smaller.
My spine formed into a c, almost as if it’s karma for the confidence I lack.
My skull, has never known what it’s like to look up.
Not until now.
Now I see the stories I hold, looping around on replay within my muscles and bones.
Stories of terror and fear and unforgiving, unrelenting, never good enough stories.
But they are, just stories.
Emotions held into your muscles from a 16 year old that knew no better.
She sure as hell was trying her absolute best.
So was 8 year old Katie. Possibly even more so.
They are stories that are apart of me, but emotions I can and will let go of.
Reaching taller and taller.
Building my strength.
Today and forever, I refuse to make myself small.
Stand tall girl.
And yes, I ended up writing a song about it. Enjoy a very rough attempt at recording it (be kind, it was one of my first try’s ever) ❤️
Lyrics:
I never knew how much I struggled to breath,
‘till I sat with my thoughts and memories.
Sitting with Emotions., That never got their moment.
To notice the breath, is to feel it all.
Including my spine that’s never stood tall.
Moving through emotions and the pain my bodies storing.
I’ll heal and I’ll learn.
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Everything I did, involved putting me down.
Curled over my heart, closer to the ground.
My mom was always right, correcting my slouching spine
I’ll learn to let go, and truly be myself.
A new height of confidence as I heal
Owning my emotions, and now giving them a moment.
I’ll heal and I’ll Learn.
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Tell me if I stand tall, will it heal these years,
of making myself small, in my body with these worries and fears?
Wanna believe I can heal these pain stories…
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Just stand tall girl. Don’t need to hold it all anymore.
Thanks for reading and caring bout what I say and put out. I really appreciate your time 🩷
(If you’ve ever wanted to try yoga, I highly recommend Charlie Follows on YouTube 🩵)
