My Hiatus is Holding Me Back

I wrote my first songs in 2007 in a sparkly green journal with a butterfly on the front. This first song was a sweet little lullaby to my parakeet- JayJay-

Then the second song I have record of is in 2008 about being the person I want to be… 

-misspelling/grammar intentionally kept 😅-

“Maby  I can be a buterfly 

Ow— Ow—

Or maby I can be artist

Or maby can even I singer

I believe I can see what I want to see and 

I believe I can do anything

I believe in my dreams 

From ages 12 to 16, I was fully immersed in my music. I was learning the guitar, playing any and every Taylor Swift song I could get my hands on. I was filling notebook after notebook of my own songs, exploring the emotional range of a teenager. I had close friends that would play music with me, and I felt a deep creative connection with them. I started to play in front of crowds, including the school hallway concerts during lunch. I did as many chores as possible so that my parents could help me purchase a dreamy blue tiger striped acoustic electric guitar. I recorded my 5 song EP. 

And then it all came to a screeching stop. 

Truthfully, I get so sad thinking about this time of life. I’ve analyzed it over and over, and I guess 10 years later I feel I can put words to it. 

I lost my main friend group the summer of age 16. For the first time, I got extremely depressed, lasting for months going into my junior year. I didn’t fully understand what was going on with my brain, and completely stopped taking care of my body. By the winter, after turning 17, my body was so frail and weak, I couldn’t participate in track and cross country like I used to. In the end I told my coach I wasn’t going to be on the team, and instead I was going to focus on work. He replied “you have the rest of your life to work”. Oh how right he was.  I still have dreams to this day, of walking back on that track and field team and finishing off my junior and senior year. 

I got into a toxic high school relationship, that brought on a whole new range of emotions and struggles. I’m sure you know the feeling and I’ll leave it at that. 

I sold every one of my guitars. My gorgeous blue baby, and my 12 string dream. I couldn’t play them even if I wanted, rocking gorgeous acrylic nails day by day, in hopes they would stop me from nervously biting my nails. 

I stopped all my hobbies, and focused on work. Don’t get me wrong, as a 17-18 year old, I felt I had the dream job. I worked for a boutique in town, where I grew my love for fashion, styling, and design. 

These pivotal years were the beginning of the adult adventure. I moved out of the house, moved to the “big city”, tried out college, made and lost more friends. I flirted and dated, obsessed over boys as any young adult woman would be. I worked, over worked, then worked some more. 

Becoming an adult is terrifying. As Taylor Swift so beautifully says “how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?”(Nothing New) Admittedly, there were many years where I tried to morph my personality and even my body into a version that would fit in and survive in this world. But through heartbreak, I learned that the only way to survive and even remotely thrive- is to be myself. 

Coming back to myself meant letting my curly hair be free from the 400 degree straightener, and allow it to begin to heal and grow in 2018. It meant leaving a church that no longer felt welcoming and fitting in my life in 2020. It was removing my acrylic nails and buying a guitar in 2022.  It was challenging myself to write again in 2024. 

I hadn’t touched a guitar for 7 years. I hadn’t written a song for 9 years. I had a major emotional block when it came to creating music. I felt hurt for many reasons. But when I got to the root of it, I felt ashamed to focus on this passion of mine. Along the way of heartbreak, I had created a false narrative that focusing on my music wouldn’t be productive to my overall career. I was so encompassed by career focused goals, I was blind to my own passions. I had to get real with myself- and realize that if I was truly going to be myself, and truly focus on the passions and hobbies that I love- music was my #1. Ignoring that part of me, was truly killing me inside.

Now we come to the present tense. I’ve been building up my song catalogue since 2024. I’ve been immensely humbled as I’ve had idea after idea come to me. Once I conquered the self-inflicted block, the creative heavens opened and songs poured to me. I don’t know why, and I don’t know where it will lead me BUT I know I’m truly being myself. Music is a part of my mind, body and soul and nothing brings me as much happiness, joy, love and bliss- as songwriting.

But the question I still have, and I’m still working through- did my hiatus stunt my growth? I feel as if I have 9 years of blackness that was wasted, without practice. But were they a waste? Did the growth I personally gained, actually allow me to come back to my music at the right time? Was the break worth the significance I now put into this art form of mine? 

Is my hiatus holding me back? I think it has been. It’s fueled the nasty negative belief I have of never being or doing enough.  I’ve worried so much about the hiatus, I’ve refused to give myself acknowledgment for the time and energy I’ve put in. There may have been a break, but childhood Katie sure put in hella hours. Isn’t the effort what really matters?  No matter the time not spent on your craft, isn’t it all about the reps you do, do? While I might not yet believe it- that’s the truth I’ve got to hold to. No matter the break I took, the present and focused time and energy that I do put in- makes all the difference. 

10 year old Katie knew it.

I believe I can do anything.

I believe in my dreams. 

So here’s to the effort. 

Now back to songwriting.